'A' Rated!

I think that I'm finally beginning to become the adult that my birth certificate says I am. A lot of people who know me well enough (read 12 Sci-ians) are probably 'LOL'ing right now. To them, I say... I'm as surprised as you are! I never thought I could be anything but the child (or baby, rather) that I've been for the past 18 years, but I guess I was wrong.
I've begun to feel a lot that I've never felt before. Like responsibility. And when I say responsibility, I am not referring to doing my homework on time or performing prefect duty without fail. I'm talking more in terms of the feeling that in four year's time, I will be working (hopefully!), and someone will be using what I make, and I will be answerable if anything goes wrong. And that someone's life might actually depend on the stuff that I make. I know four years seems like forever, but it seems like just yesterday that I was my sister's age! Which brings me to another point.
Even till a few months back, I would find it funny when my parents said stuff like 'Oh, how time flies! It seems like just yesterday when we were little kids!' or when relatives came up to me and went 'The last time I saw you, you were soooooo small. How tall you've become!'. But yesterday, I found myself saying just that to a ex-neighbour I'd met after two years. I also feel (like I've mentioned earlier in this article) that time flies. I feel nostalgic about school. Though I'm still a student, I no longer feel like a schoolgirl. Yesterday, when my neighbour of three years wished me a happy diwali and commented on how grown up I looked in a 'salwar kameez' (Ref. next paragraph), for the first time, I didn't feel that she was ancient.
Until a few months back, I made sure I shopped for clothes that looked 'cool', whatever that is. Part of this policy was buying clothes that made sure my friends also considered me 'cool'. Really! But now I've sorta reached a point where I'm realising that it really doesn't matter that much. Funnily enough, I realised this when I saw a Full House episode I'd seen some thrice earlier. I'd recognised the theme of the episode all the time, but I'd never really FELT it till I saw it for the fourth time. Now, I suddenly don't mind dressing up in an ethnic dress (and that means salwar kameez with dupatta, not kurta and jeans!) even for casual occasions. In fact, I'm proud of it.
I'm proud because it brings out my Indian-ness. As days go by, I feel more and more patriotic. I know now that being an Indian doesn't just mean that I live here and speak the language. There are ties that bind. It's a deep running bond that links you to your country, and that can never change no matter where you choose to live. When my parents used to grumble that we never speak out mother tongue at home, I would wonder why they made such a big deal of it. But I now find myself worrying that my language (notice the feeling of belonging!), which is already not widely spoken, might be lost in the generations to come. I find myself promising myself that I will teach my children my language.
My children! Gosh! I often realise, much to my surprise, that I'm telling myself exactly how I'll bring up my kids. I've also begun to feel an emotion that's been totally alien to me till now - motherliness (I don't know if that's a word, but that best describes how I feel). I've never really been one to 'cutesify ' babies - in fact, I used to find babies whiny, smelly and heavy - but of late, I've begun to love holding infants. And I really feel something I can't put into words. It's just something that you feel that makes you feel incredibly happy - the innocence in those little eyes that look up to you, and the fact that they're relying on you. It just makes you feel really good about life. Also, when my mum always worried about me or my sister, I used to find it weird. I mean, the chances of us getting into trouble are much lower than the chances of us NOT getting into trouble, right? Though that still seems perfectly logical to me, lately, I've been worrying a whole lot about my loved ones. (Though this might not be such a new thing - I think I've worried about a lot of my closest friends in the past year...)
But the one thing that I notice that has changed the most about me, that, perhaps, was bound to happen sooner or later - I've outgrown childish crushes. I think I've come to a stage when I can tell the difference between mere attraction and the real thing. Or at least I have enough confidence in myself to know that I'm not going to chase every little infatuation I have. I see lots and lots of really good looking men on TV et al, but now, that's all there is to them. I don't really feel very much more. I know that there's a little something more that I need to find. I'm not sure a hundred percent sure that I know what that something is quite yet, but I am sure that I will know for sure someday.
I think the last six months have really shaped me as a person. I've learned a lot from my experiences (more from the bad ones!). I've made some wise decisions, and some horrendous mistakes. But I've lived through them, and I KNOW I'm wiser now. The world seems an entirely new place, suddenly. But you know, things really aren't very different now. It's just that I've begun to see them differently.
P.S. I also would never write a blog entry like this one a year back!